11 Ecards that sum up my Borderline Personality Disorder

Not saying everyone has the same symptoms, but I will post some e-cards borderlines will probably understand. The struggle behind these is real and unrelenting, but I also believe we have to learn to laugh at ourselves. So here goes:

Have you ever had one of those phases where you just want to be invisible while terribly afraid you will not be visible? 

para

Or the feeling that although you have friends, you have to suffer in silence?

noone

Or started doubting if they are your friends at all?

friend

Or have you consciously taught yourself not to go with the spikes of idealization when you meet someone new because they were gonna hurt you or leave at one point anyway?

deval

Or have you ever had to convince yourself that you are actually you, alive, breathing and feeling? That you are not in a dream?

remi

If you’re like me, you probably have suicidal thoughts and feelings every day… And maybe you do the same as I do and binge eat sweets.

choco

Have you ever refrained from a dinner at someone’s house in the last moment because you did not feel ready to meet people and act normal or you felt you’d be a burden and the invitation was just a formality?

party1

Maybe it has taken a toll on your relationships 😦

party2

It is one of the saddest things to have to listen to an advice from someone who does not understand what’s going on…

run

Sometimes I feel like my therapist has known it for long that I cannot be saved or helped but she will not admit because how would that look.

therapy

Sometimes I see my disorder in everything.

banana

I hoped you enjoyed these cards, and maybe now you can make some of your own and share it with me. 🙂 Also, I think you are awesome, you kick ass and just keep trying! That’s what I’m doing.

What the stigma of BPD feels like

When I got my borderline diagnosis I was almost even relieved. Relieved that I am not alone, that my condition and dissociative experiences actually have a name. That there were others who self-harmed. Others who have felt suicidal for most of their lives. That I wasn’t just a standalone individual who was affected by an unrelenting curse others seemed to have evaded. Every question I ever had about myself seemed to be answered as the pieces of the invisible puzzle were finally grafted together. But it turned out this diagnosis will hurt me more than it helps me. It did not take long to take notice of how people treat borderlines. I remember reading a website that told you to run if your significant other turns out to be borderline, Christian pages that insisted borderlines are destined to hell by nature… and most sadly ”professional” articles that made us all look like attention-seeking, manipulative, promiscuous, unbearable drama-queens who do not deserve to be cared for by mental health professionals. The media did not help us much either. Almost every film depicting borderline employs unlikeable characters, who pose an immediate threat to everything they touch. At first, I wanted to write about how I don’t fulfil the stereotypes, but then I thought of something different. The story I want to share is how it feels to be stigmatized. How it feels to never be taken seriously even when you get to the verge of suicide.

It feels like being buried alive. Just imagine it. You wake up in the darkness. At first, you are just confused. You don’t know where you are, how you got there and how you will get out. Then you tap the four walls of the coffin and slowly realize you’ve been buried alive. Suddenly the air runs out. Not because all air is gone but due to the panic that chills your bones in an instance. You scream with your heart in your neck for hours but then you have to make the terrible realization that no one is going to hear you. You are just buried too deep. You don’t know if it is night or day outside but inside it makes no difference anymore. You start scratching the lid of the coffin as if to claw your way out. It takes immense effort. Meanwhile the thoughts just race through your head. Thoughts like ”Has no one seen I am still breathing?” or ”I have to die now just because people thought I was dead”. In the end your strength leaves you and you just don’t fight anymore. Years later they exhume you… just to find the marks of your nails on the lid. Then come the ”should have-s” and the ”could have-s” but that does not save you now does it.

It feels like becoming a ghost. The people shift by you, step through you… talking about wishing you were there. Wishing you were something else. Visibly present. They reminisce on how different you were before. So full of life. So pleasant for the eye. They wish they could get through to you but in reality it is you who cannot get through to them. You wave, scream, shake your head frantically… Try to tell them you are still there. In vain. You are no longer one of them. They can no longer accept you.

The only difference is… when you are a ghost no one blames you for becoming one. When you are a borderline you have to face such a vast amount of shaming. Blame. Suddenly everything you say is a lie and everyone who encounters you should just run for it. Suddenly your condition is your fault, and you just don’t get better because you are not trying hard enough. Even today these sentences make me want to crawl into a hole and hide. But I will not hide. I will no longer succumb to silence.

Because maybe you have the same experiences, which is why I want to leave you with some good thoughts. You are not a monster. You are worth caring for. You are lovable, and I wish you would join me in standing up against the stigma in any way you can.tumblr_mj97mqo2HX1s3iwqdo1_500

Nine life lessons I learnt from Harry Potter

 

  1. There is more to reality than what we see

When Harry Potter was locked up under the stairs, without any friends and basically without any light in the seemingly dark tunnel that was his future, he would never have thought that a day might come to transform his life in basically minutes. He never would have thought that one day Hagrid would arrive with his first birthday cake under his arms. He never would have thought there was a world where he mattered and where his voice would finally be heard. Point is you should not underestimate life’s ability to write unimaginable twists. Good ones too.

  1. You sometimes have to lose the battle to win the war

Whoever catches the golden snitch gains 150 points for their house in quidditch and ends the game. This usually means instant win. But do you remember those occasions when Harry must not catch the snitch? Because I do. There was at least one time when 150 points were not enough for Gryffindor to win. Harry saw the snitch but needed to wait until the team gathers enough points so that catching the snitch would make a difference. We imagine the road to success would be straight. That once we see the snitch we should just jump at it because we might never see it again. Sometimes however patience and planning work better than pushing forward. You lose a battle when you let the snitch out of your sight… but when it comes again, and you are finally ready to catch it you win the war.

Also… Do you remember how Umbridge punished Harry with a pen that drew his blood and carved words on his hand? ”You must not tell lies”. With every word he cut in his hand he lost a war against Umbridge in that room. But later, in the forest, when Umbridge was given to the Centaurs and she begged Harry, Ron and Hermione to tell the centaurs not to hurt her because she came with good intentions, this very sentence was Harry’s victory over her as he told her: ”I can’t…. I must not tell lies”. I guess what I am getting at is just because you lost the battle – does not mean you’ve lost forever. The bricks that are thrown at you might later be used to build your fort.

  1. In tense situations people can exhibit traits you never thought they have

What did you think of Neville first? Of Luna Lovegood? Would you have thought Neville would defeat the snake? Would you have figured Luna can see Thestrals and is not repulsed by them because she is brave enough to face her demons? Would you have thought she would play a key role in the end? I sure as hell did not see these coming. This just reminds me that I might be surrounded by heros everywhere I go. Villians too, but there is a vast amount of goodness hiding in the people around, waiting to unveil itself in the light of an unusual event.

  1. You have to go to the roots of the problems

It was not easy to kill Voldemort. He seemed downright undefeatable. In order to kill him they had to deal with all of his horcruxes. They could not just miss one. This just reminds me that the problems can only be solved once they are througoutly investigated and their background is completely eliminated. Otherwise they just grow to the point where we are afraid to call them by the name.

  1. Level of education is not everything

Just one word here: Hagrid.

  1. Teamwork makes the dream work

Harry did not win the triwizard tournament alone. He did not save Sirius alone. He did not defeat Voldemort alone. He could not have no matter how big of a hero he was. It was always about the team.

  1. Sometimes you have hidden friends and unseen enemies

Remember how Snape saved Harry from falling off his broomstick at quidditch? Or that moment Harry shared with Snape when the professor was dying? This black haired man never failed to show resentfulness and hatred to Harry…. meanwhile saving his life. Who would have thought he is actually on Harry’s team? Or who would have thought the prisoner of Azkaban, from whom Harry was so strictly guarded will become one of his most trusted people?

Also there was Scrabbers. Everyone’s favourite rat from book one… Look what he turned out to be in the end. He was an enemy hiding in plain sight.

  1. There is a story behind evil

We like to think that people who do evil are just born that way. We assume that a moment of losing one’s mind makes a killer. We need to study Voldemort. How he was treated at the orphanage, how he grew up and how much it has to do with what he has become. I think initially he was thrown into darkness and did not feel too good there. Then – to cease his pain he learned to surf this darkness like a sea, to use it and to enjoy it. Noone is born evil. Society makes evil happen.

  1. Darkness does not last forever

The Dursley’s will not be your caretakers forever. You will not always live under the stairs. You will not stay ununderstood forever. You will not stay in the lair of spiders forever. Umbridge will not be your teacher forever. The minister of magic will not be corrupt forever. Hagrid will not stay in Azkaban. You will not fight all your battles alone. Ultimately: Voldemort will not live forever. 

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